At least I didn’t cut my bangs.
I also didn’t burn all his stuff in the front yard, although the thought did cross my mind.
Radical things happen when I’m upset, but so far, I’ve avoided any major destructive action.
I just got out the paint.
Breakups are hard. It doesn’t matter if they’re “what’s best in the long run” or not. They’re freaking hard.
So much to consider.
Who gets what? What to do about this and that. Hiring a lawyer when you just found out you’ll be broke for the rest of your life. Yep, they’re hard all right.
Especially when you get to the age where you think all that’s left is to ride out the status quo until you skate into glory.
I’ll even venture a little further out on this limb and go ahead and say breakups suck even when you have quite a few under your belt.
More than a couple decades of life ought to be enough to prepare you for the devastation divorce brings. Sadly, it isn’t—especially when it all kind of came out of the blue.
I’m not saying I’m not ready to move on. Truth is, I’ve already cut the ties, both in my mind and elsewhere.
One day I was married and losing my mind because I discovered he was cheating on me. I was mourning the loss of trust and love.
The next day I woke up DONE.
It happened just like that.
I thought we would work it out. I was searching for answers, reading everything I could get my hands on about how to “get over” your spouse cheating on you. Angry and hurt, I felt helpless and lost, even asking myself what I did (or didn’t do) to make him cheat.
And I prayed. I prayed for myself mostly, but I also prayed for him and for us. I looked EVERYWHERE for answers and there weren’t any to find.
So, I quit.
Maybe because of the silent treatment he was attempting to use to manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do.
It had always worked before.
I’d get enough of it and apologize to him for everything I could think of that I’d ever done wrong in my life. I’d be so relieved and grateful when he would suddenly act as if nothing was wrong.
This time, the silence was nothing but a welcome relief from all the lies. He tried using the same worn out technique to control me AFTER he CHEATED on me!
It’s possible that he genuinely didn’t realize that I had proof of his infidelity. The lies were the same. I just didn’t believe him anymore.
He thought it was “business as usual.” I wondered how he could still try to manipulate me after what he did.
How do you even dare?
For the first time, I could see his disrespect was intentional. Sounds moronic, I know. I was just so used to making excuses for him that I believed them myself.
It’s so obvious now.
What a delicious game he played with me for so long! But to what end? What did he hope to gain? Did he set out just to hurt me? What would be the point of rendering our entire marriage obsolete?
Instead of ending up with a devoted wife, he will likely end up alone. If not alone, he will surely settle for less than he had.
I loved him.
And I trusted him. I wanted the best for him.