If October was once filled with the promise of fall–crackling fires that were warm and inviting, colorfully dressed scarecrows, happy children plotting their sneakiest tricks for Halloween–I can’t remember it. The month was forever changed in 2006 when I woke up one cool morning to find my youngest child not sleeping, but dead on our couch.
Now when October approaches I feel a sense of dread and apprehension. I know that every time I say, think, or write the word that my mind will take me back to that moment when I touched my child’s back and my life was changed forever, because I felt no life in my baby.
I don’t think I could ever come up with words that were big enough to cover the amount of loss that I feel–that I know I will always feel. I realize that I will never drown out the sound of my own keening in my ears.
If my precious daughter had not been born this month, it would have no naturally redeeming quality for me at all. If I did not find my hope in Jesus Christ, life itself would have no redeeming quality for me. In Him I find my hope, and I thank God for all those He has blessed me with. Each October, I am reminded every day not to take a second of time that I spend with a loved one for granted. I remember to watch my children and grandchildren closely for each expression on their faces, and to listen to the sound of their voices–to pay attention to what they have to say.
There is nothing that can replace a child who is gone, but I am thankful for what I have. God has blessed me richly, and I never did one thing good enough to deserve it. His Grace is amazing!
“That though the radiance which was once so bright be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower, we will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind.” William Wordsworth