I haven’t been able to write for the better part of a year. Not much, anyway.
Life has been overwhelming.
I’m pretty embarrassed about it really. I got myself into a bit of an emotional disaster and couldn’t find my way out of it.
I wouldn’t call it depression exactly.
To be honest, I don’t know what I would call it. A dead zone. Maybe.
It all started with Covid and got worse from there.
Or maybe it didn’t. Maybe Covid was just a convenient excuse for me to blame my lack of enthusiasm for life on. You know, we’re all gonna die anyway.
Then the political climate got really heated and the world seemed to go completely crazy. And it took me along for the ride, thank you very much!
And my entire family moved away. Wayyyyy away.
Morose is a good way to describe how I’ve been feeling.
I even tried therapy.
My therapist is nice, and she must be a goddess as well, because she literally sits there and lets me run my head for an entire hour without saying a thing of any relevance. And she asks great questions.
Why do you think that is?
One simple question becomes a danger to her poor ears, but she endures it like a champion. Doesn’t matter though. All the therapy (or talking) in the world can’t fix what’s broken here.
Because it’s everything. The universe is crumbling. And for a while there, I was crumbling too.
I’m strangely okay now.
The Bible, somewhere in it, tells us not to fear sudden calamity, and for good reason. It will destroy your life.
The dread of what could happen takes the joy out of the moments in your life.
I had to realize—and this wasn’t a sudden event—that fear was stealing my joy. Disaster may well be lurking around every corner, but so is beauty, innocence, and life.
We can’t know what tomorrow is going to bring. We just have to do the very best we can right now, in the moments we know we do have.
This is a tentative step towards writing again, thanks to a first blog post I read of a dear friend of mine, who just lost her husband. The conflict between relief that an extremely unhappy marriage is over and the overwhelming grief and helplessness in the face of his passing is like a chaotic storm of emotion that she easily brings for her readers to navigate along with her. When her blog is made public, I will post a link so you can see what I mean.
Until then, I’m glad to be back.